Tag Archives: death

Self Fulfillment, Part IV

“Forgive and forget” what a novel concept. “Compromise” doesn’t seem to be in my dictionary.

It’s ironic. 4 hours ago, I had thought there was a chance this could still work. I guess I was thinking in my head that guilds could be like sports teams, you could be a fan of one but still be able to get along with a fan of a rival. I guess it doesn’t work that way. I had thought that even though we didn’t share a commonality (i.e. WoW guilds/servers), we could still make it work through other means. As she so aptly brought up in her comment, yes we did share several sessions on Skype just talking about whatever. We did have common interests through other venues. But it would seem the thing that I so thick headed focused on would be exactly what she’d use to chop.

“Well good luck with life, hope it’s a good one.” I don’t care how you read that, it still holds the same bearing. Perhaps I’m not strong enough to say what needs to be said. Perhaps I’m the weak one. I suppose it comes down to some basic questions:

1. Do I want to raid with her? You know I really don’t know how to answer that. I’m never really too sure about a player’s ability.. I tend to adapt by what others say and when grouping with them what they are capable of doing. I don’t form opinions about their ability cause it’s all subjective. I could form relativistic connections, like this player is good at managing so and so. Therefore I can’t really say if I’d want to raid with them based on that. Would I want to raid with someone who I have an emotional attachment to? I guess I’m not too sure about that either. Guess I’d rather keep my WoW connections more anonymous. Keep them compartmentalized. Cause I don’t know if I ever will need to break them. I try not to piss people off. I hear that I’m a nice guy. Decent player. Do I believe that? I don’t go out of my way to do nice things, I just keep a calm and generally collected demeanor and try to be polite. Going beyond that..? I just don’t know. I kind of end up in an odd situation.. I don’t know how to handle those sorts of emotions.

2. Did I make myself clear? The first time, no. The second time, apparently no. I suppose you could say the first time was a mistake on my part. I took her view of the guild and further deepened it. MO has a bad reputation because of the loud mouths in it. But MO has good people in it. People who, given the right circumstances, are nice and polite. But that’s not the portrait others paint. No, they bring up the trolling done by a few of the members (who for the life of me I don’t understand why are still in the guild, as they don’t raid with us) or the issues that some of the members cause (like loot issues on pick-up group raids). Some of the people are really good people. People who are being unfairly biased against. So with the initial opinion she had of MO, I took it further down by focusing on some of the negative thing these people do. Not really a wise move on my part, I admit. The second time, I guess I wasn’t fully clear on my intentions. I love(d) this girl and decided I’d like to be with her and that by staying in MO I was being full of myself. So I figured if she was going to transfer, I’d transfer with her. But my clarity on saying I’d do that apparently wasn’t clear enough. Apparently I’m vague and take back roads to say things. I’m currently ignoring her to type this. Cause I think she won’t listen to anything I have to say anyway. She’s already made her mind up.

3. Was the fate of this all really based on my decision about a hypothetical? I don’t get it. I, as a guy, operate on logic. Which apparently doesn’t work when the other person is a girl. So I’m supposed to rely on some emotional core which I don’t really know if I have. I, basically an organic computer in my eyes, am supposed to rely on something I have no control over, no understanding of, and no possible concept of. I’d like to have a rational conversation with a female, but doesn’t seem to happen. I tend to read into things. She tends to read into things. But she can’t read into my basic “Hey let’s raid together” messages after I basically admit that I’m a thick headed jerk who is staying with MO to pad my ego? Guess it only works when she’s mad. And she’s probably mad now.

4. Where do I go from here? I don’t really know. If it’s over, and I’m assuming it is just based on that tone, I don’t think I’ll ever really love again. I’ll use rationality to attempt to tone down the pain I’m sure will come and come out even more broken than I am now. If it’s not over, she’ll get mad at me for thinking it is. Either way I think I lose. I don’t really think you can win at relationships. I think there’s only one door. Friend of mine told me that his girlfriend has forgiven him countless times–too many to count. Does that imply true love? I suppose I should ask what level of forgiveness those actions required. Did you basically in a roundabout way tell her you don’t want to play a game with her? What level of emotional impact does that carry? I guess it’s partially my fault cause I was running out of ideas to talk about.. so I brought up an unfinished argument. Poor move on my part. Any would be lovers out there, take some heed: don’t do anything that pops in your head. It’s wrong. Or at least I’d like to think it’s wrong. But I am a man of logic, and logic is god.

I suppose on the positive note, I have been updating this more often. Course the subject of it is up for debate.

If she doesn’t forgive me and it truly is over, then I’ll be looking for someone to kick me in the ass so I can keep up on my course work in this upcoming jaunt into school. If she does forgive me, perhaps I’m not as bad of a person as I think I currently am.

Only the internet can tell..

Self Destruction, Part I

I’m not sure if I’m an idiot or just set to always try to break things.

I’m not sure how honest I can really be with what I write any more, either. I guess you could say this is a publicly published thought core on how I somehow am able to easily destroy myself.

So I met a girl. Not in the normal way, at least. More like I have a habit on my DK of randomly hugging female gnomes. I think they are cute. One such gnome started talking to me. I don’t know why. I’m not sure why. I guess I responded in my normal way, joking and what not. But eventually it seemed like there might have been something more.. something I could possibly enjoy. So I decided to open up a bit.

Started with small things, things like my first name and random things I liked and asking her what she liked. Movies, food. But I suck at small talk, being as apathetic as I am. I suppose you could almost say I’m nihilistic. But it seemed like talking to her made me feel, well, different. Like I had something to gain. Like the world had purpose.

Of course, I am corrupt. The internet may be a large and interesting place, but there are certain areas you should avoid. They may seem funny and harmless at first, but the more you delve into them, the more you’re slowly becoming something you’ll regret. 4chan is such a place. Random tends to blur the line between normal and obscene. Suddenly you find morbid things funny.. and you get into trouble some things.

But for the time being, I was getting along with her. We took a further step forward during server maintenance and I took a “joke” of hers too far. Essentially I asked her what she wanted to do, and she replied with a sex joke.. me being as corrupt as I am, and apparently as unrestrained with my libido, took it to mean she actually wanted that. I never knew I was good at typing those sorts of stories.. but my endings are horrible. Ahem, moving on…

She didn’t take too well to my admission that that’s all I thought the conversation would be over. In fact, she got mad, which under the circumstances is understandable. I made her into my own little porn. But, I decided that maybe there was something to this so I asked to start fresh.

Over the next few days, our talks escalated and we began to enjoy one another company. For me, it was strange.. you see I’m your average nerd in the basement–literally. I live in my parent’s basement. I used to find that fact disheartening and whatnot but to be honest, I don’t really mind any more, cause I know there’s a lot more people out there just like me. Of course, I have the benefit of actually having a job, but it’s not the type of job that exactly leads into a career. But as such, I actually have never had a girlfriend. At least until that point. I’m so socially dead I wouldn’t know the basics for asking a girl out. I was the shy nerd in High School who was usually considered crazy due to my ideas and such. What ideas exactly? You know, I’m not too sure. Most of the ideas I would have had in High School would have been pedestrian to the corrupt ideas that could flow through my head today.

So here I was, an anti-social nerd in a pseudo-relationship with a girl I never met. But for some reason, it felt good. It felt like I could share the world with her. It’s almost like she gave me the ability to feel again. I had a vague idea what she looked like, mostly by doing the normal e-stalker thing and looking her email up on MySpace and Facebook. When I told her that, she almost seemed to get mad at me for wanting to know what she looked like. To be honest, brutally honest.. I don’t think I would have cared if she was a 250lb 40 year old.. the idea I had in my head about her made it so I didn’t care… I mean there was a part of me–libido–that told me I should.. but I think I was making the reference in my head that no matter what she looked like, I knew I could love her. Yeah, love. Strange isn’t it?

What is love exactly? Is it some pseudo-emotion created so you’d know what to do and say at the right moments? Or is it more simple than that? I guess I could tell I felt more than just a normal connection to her, cause she gave me butterflies. That feeling in your stomach that you don’t really know if it’s real or not. But it makes things.. so much better. Suddenly you feel like you can do anything. I suppose you could say love is giving someone the ability to hurt you like you’ve never felt before. A burning sensation that lasts until you question the meaning of life. Even then an answer to such a question probably wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So why would I feel pain in such a situation? I’m an idiot. I’m corrupt. I’m vile. I’m disgusting. Due to my lack of any real social involvement throughout my life, and the involvement I’ve had being.. transient at best, I took a lot of wrong steps. Some of them she was able to forgive. Some of them, like this last one.. I doubt she will. I’d like to blame Random and whatnot, but it wasn’t making me stay there. It wasn’t making me look up the strange and questionable content I was seeking. It was me. Does that mean I’m vile inside? Does that mean I’m the filth of the earth? Maybe.

But I still love her. I can’t stop it. Ive tried to convince myself that it’s probably over. That anything I try to say won’t make a sound. That I’m really just a terrible individual. But it hurts.

It hurts so much I want to change. I want to try to be a better person. I want to try so many things.. I’m sort of lost. I miss her.

Is it so strange to be like that? Is it so strange to want to be with someone I’ve never actually met?