Tag Archives: part iii

Self Equilibrium, Part III

Relationships are an interesting mix of things. You have parts you love, parts you hate, and parts you don’t understand. They can lead you down paths you never thought about before, through valleys and over mountains. Is it so strange to feel this way? One can only wonder.

So now begins a process.. of finding a balance. This process lets you really know how stubborn the other can be.

Okay, so World of Warcraft. This is where I met her.. this might be the cause of me losing her.. at least I hope I haven’t lost her. This is getting confusing so I’ll try my best to figure out what exactly happened while I type it. Seems to have multiple parts, so maybe I can clarify this for myself as well.

I’m in Members Only (MO from hereon). We’re a progression guild who tends to be rather fickle about people. The renown for this guild is that they tend to make fun of people who made odd choices in gear/gems/talent specs. They try to maintain a level of elitism, but only raid 3 nights a week. So we don’t advance as quickly as other guilds, but are capable enough to get to end-game content relatively quickly. But because of the fact the guild master and several of the members make fun of people, the guild is blacklisted as being assholes and pricks. Therefore, by association, I’m an asshole. I tend to be nicer than the rest of them, and if asked will help people, depending on how they ask me and depending on what sort of thing they ask me to do (i.e. I hate beggars, so I tend to ignore them).

But because the GM and members are elitist like that, they tend to say things that I don’t necessarily agree with but because I’m an idiot I transpose and say. That’s a mistake. I apparently have poor judgment about what I say at times (so maybe I am an asshole). But I should clarify what was said and what I said to her.

They were having a chat on vent. Basically, they were talking about how an officer recruited a priest. This priest was decent, at best.. nothing too great. But the thing about this priest was that.. well, she was essentially dating the officer. The GM recounted how he usually didn’t hear much about potentially recruits from this officer, except for a few who later had real life issues and couldn’t make full attendance. So the GM was a tad skeptical at first. Then he found out this priest was a girl. The conversation on vent changed at that point.

I’m not really sure how the GM phrased it, or how I should phrase it. I know he was saying he hates package deals (i.e. player who wants to join with another, aka husband and wife) because it can lead to issues later.. i.e. if they break up, it causes drama and then neither show up to the raid, etc etc.

I suppose I could say that my experience with female players in the past has been.. iffy at best. Back when I was in Gorilla Farm, I was an officer. One of the other officers was supposedly a girl. Who liked to complain about everything. Apparently I was good at listening cause she did it quite a bit. I suppose the fall of the guild wasn’t entirely her fault, but I do know the amount of drama she caused.

I’m not saying that all female players cause drama. Just saying that it tends to follow them.

So she posed a hypothetical to me. I’m starting to wonder if hypothetical means reality. She asked me, “If we lived together, would you leave MO?”

I don’t like backing out of commitments. I don’t like betraying people. I feel like absolute shit when I quit guilds. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s cause they gave me the chance to be there to support them and I left. I don’t change guilds often. When I joined MO, I figured I probably wouldn’t have to ever leave.

So she throws a hypothetical at me. Except it isn’t a hypothetical. I took it as a hypothetical. “Would I leave MO to raid with her?” I don’t know. I don’t know if I could do that. It’s strange. Now that I’m typing that, I keep thinking.. I’m just this huge idiot. This was our first argument. I hope it doesn’t end us. I don’t want it to. But I answered wrong. I deflected. I said “couples are hard to recruit.” What? Then I guess I jumped into talking about female gamers and ended up sounding sexist. So I’m now apparently a discriminatory, sexist, and elitist jerk.

I don’t think I can make this right. Would I care if she was in a better guild than I, raiding better content with better people? Possibly. But now I’m caught in a conundrum. I just want her to be happy. But if she’s only happy when she raids with me,  I suppose that means I have to leave.

I’m stuck. I’m not sure where the hypothetical ends and the reality begins. She’s mad because I answered a hypothetical wrong. I can’t predict the future. If we were living together, would I raid with her? Yes, of course. But we aren’t living together. There’s 1300 miles between us. I guess the fact I keep missing raids just to talk to her doesn’t mean anything. The fact I basically sex changed my DK just to see her smile.

Cause she hates me. Cause of a fucking hypothetical question. Okay, she won’t say she “hates” me.. she’ll say she’s “upset.”

She thinks I put the game before her. She thinks me not wanting to leave MO is cause I care more for it than her. All because I answered a hypothetical wrong.

I’m starting to get angry writing this. It’s not good.

Is this where it ends? To be honest, I don’t want a game to be the thing that keeps us together. That’s not something to base a relationship on. I had thought it wasn’t based on that. I had thought she loved me for who I was, not for the fact I played a game she happens to play also. Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps it’s all my fault. Perhaps me wanting to ignore the fact we both played a game was a wrong move.

Is there such a thing as time to yourself? I could consider raiding as “spending time with the guys” but I wouldn’t go that far. This is transitioning strangely. I can’t plan that far ahead. I don’t know if I’d still be playing WoW by the time we moved in together.

Arguing over a game. Wonderful way to break things.