Tag Archives: part v

Self Conclusion, Part V

Last time, I thought I had reached a point. A point where I wasn’t really sure if it was the end. Since then, I’ve realized that relationships aren’t nearly as pristine as they appear. I had thought relationships were based on a balance, one I tried to find in Part III. I didn’t find it and I didn’t have the understanding I have now of how relationships should work. Relationships are about conflict resolution. Relationships are about hypocrisy. Relationships are about.. finding what you can live without. I don’t think there is an equilibrium.

People live in dreams. They aren’t fully aware they do, but they do. They make dreams up as they go, making sure they can find some motivation to move forward. This motivation is a dream. You could call them goals, I suppose.. but that’s just word play. Depending on how much a person lives in this dream world tells you how sane they really are. People who always dream are never really awake, and those who never dream never sleep. Where am I on this dream-scale? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if this is reality or merely a dream. I’m tempted to think I’m closer to reality than some, but perhaps I’m closer to a dream than anything else. It’s hard to really know.

So what does this have to do with relationships? Hypocrisy and dreams. People don’t want to admit they live in a dream. They don’t want to admit that the fluffy little cloud they sit on is in fact a rock hurtling toward a burning inferno. It’s better to picture it as a cloud, lazily drifting along some quiet meadow. It makes life better. Seeing harsh reality is harder. But perhaps I’m deflecting. Avoiding the question. People don’t like to know they are dreaming. People like to think they are seeing reality.

I was faced with a conundrum when I first started writing this 5 days ago. I had thought there might have still been a chance for this to work. But that isn’t the case any more.

It’s weird how it ends up working out. I suppose some story would help clear the air. She decided she needed a new headset as the one she was using was basically broken. She asked me for advice about which one she should order. I linked her a few and she picked the wireless one I was using. Nothing wrong with that.

It arrived on a Monday. I had gotten off a night shift and was staying up longer than I should have. I had gotten new anime and had decided to watch it. That and I was running around the house doing various things so I wasn’t always at my computer.

So she apparently got the headset and hooked it up, then immediately jumped on vent with her brother to test it. Apparently the mic sounded horrible. Or at least that’s the opinion I got from reading the MSN conversation she was having with me. I called her on Skype, she refused to answer. I was basically trying to help, trying to see what the issue with the mic was and perhaps offer suggestions. You don’t pay so much for something that doesn’t work right. Maybe I wasn’t clear that I wanted to help. I was slightly hurt by that. It’s not like I haven’t assembled computers before. It’s not like I haven’t figured out issues on computers before. Guess my opinion means nothing.

Then she says something like “the only reason I bought it for was vent.” Hypocrisy leaking through. Guess the “hours on Skype talking to me” doesn’t mean anything. Guess it goes both ways.

Well, it’s over now. Guess I’m single. There will be no continuation to this story. This is the…

Forgone conclusion…

So it’s not over. It was “miss communication.” She thought I was being irritable and decided to leave me alone. She apparently wasn’t in a good mood that day. Did I think it was over because of a headset? No. I had thought it was over because each time this happens, it gets worse and worse. I thought she was mad at me, she thought I was mad at her.. I was hurt, she was hurt..

I don’t know.

I may take a different tact. She reads this, so I can’t really lay the idea out. All I can say is that I am rather sick of this mock war between us. I said to take it down a notch, on the relationship level. What does that mean? Well, I suppose it means for the time being we should just be friends. I didn’t say that to her directly, though. I guess I should make sure we can be friends before escalating back into the “couple” label.

… (to be continued)