Tag Archives: self destruction

Self Conclusion, Part V

Last time, I thought I had reached a point. A point where I wasn’t really sure if it was the end. Since then, I’ve realized that relationships aren’t nearly as pristine as they appear. I had thought relationships were based on a balance, one I tried to find in Part III. I didn’t find it and I didn’t have the understanding I have now of how relationships should work. Relationships are about conflict resolution. Relationships are about hypocrisy. Relationships are about.. finding what you can live without. I don’t think there is an equilibrium.

People live in dreams. They aren’t fully aware they do, but they do. They make dreams up as they go, making sure they can find some motivation to move forward. This motivation is a dream. You could call them goals, I suppose.. but that’s just word play. Depending on how much a person lives in this dream world tells you how sane they really are. People who always dream are never really awake, and those who never dream never sleep. Where am I on this dream-scale? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if this is reality or merely a dream. I’m tempted to think I’m closer to reality than some, but perhaps I’m closer to a dream than anything else. It’s hard to really know.

So what does this have to do with relationships? Hypocrisy and dreams. People don’t want to admit they live in a dream. They don’t want to admit that the fluffy little cloud they sit on is in fact a rock hurtling toward a burning inferno. It’s better to picture it as a cloud, lazily drifting along some quiet meadow. It makes life better. Seeing harsh reality is harder. But perhaps I’m deflecting. Avoiding the question. People don’t like to know they are dreaming. People like to think they are seeing reality.

I was faced with a conundrum when I first started writing this 5 days ago. I had thought there might have still been a chance for this to work. But that isn’t the case any more.

It’s weird how it ends up working out. I suppose some story would help clear the air. She decided she needed a new headset as the one she was using was basically broken. She asked me for advice about which one she should order. I linked her a few and she picked the wireless one I was using. Nothing wrong with that.

It arrived on a Monday. I had gotten off a night shift and was staying up longer than I should have. I had gotten new anime and had decided to watch it. That and I was running around the house doing various things so I wasn’t always at my computer.

So she apparently got the headset and hooked it up, then immediately jumped on vent with her brother to test it. Apparently the mic sounded horrible. Or at least that’s the opinion I got from reading the MSN conversation she was having with me. I called her on Skype, she refused to answer. I was basically trying to help, trying to see what the issue with the mic was and perhaps offer suggestions. You don’t pay so much for something that doesn’t work right. Maybe I wasn’t clear that I wanted to help. I was slightly hurt by that. It’s not like I haven’t assembled computers before. It’s not like I haven’t figured out issues on computers before. Guess my opinion means nothing.

Then she says something like “the only reason I bought it for was vent.” Hypocrisy leaking through. Guess the “hours on Skype talking to me” doesn’t mean anything. Guess it goes both ways.

Well, it’s over now. Guess I’m single. There will be no continuation to this story. This is the…

Forgone conclusion…

So it’s not over. It was “miss communication.” She thought I was being irritable and decided to leave me alone. She apparently wasn’t in a good mood that day. Did I think it was over because of a headset? No. I had thought it was over because each time this happens, it gets worse and worse. I thought she was mad at me, she thought I was mad at her.. I was hurt, she was hurt..

I don’t know.

I may take a different tact. She reads this, so I can’t really lay the idea out. All I can say is that I am rather sick of this mock war between us. I said to take it down a notch, on the relationship level. What does that mean? Well, I suppose it means for the time being we should just be friends. I didn’t say that to her directly, though. I guess I should make sure we can be friends before escalating back into the “couple” label.

… (to be continued)

Self Fulfillment, Part IV

“Forgive and forget” what a novel concept. “Compromise” doesn’t seem to be in my dictionary.

It’s ironic. 4 hours ago, I had thought there was a chance this could still work. I guess I was thinking in my head that guilds could be like sports teams, you could be a fan of one but still be able to get along with a fan of a rival. I guess it doesn’t work that way. I had thought that even though we didn’t share a commonality (i.e. WoW guilds/servers), we could still make it work through other means. As she so aptly brought up in her comment, yes we did share several sessions on Skype just talking about whatever. We did have common interests through other venues. But it would seem the thing that I so thick headed focused on would be exactly what she’d use to chop.

“Well good luck with life, hope it’s a good one.” I don’t care how you read that, it still holds the same bearing. Perhaps I’m not strong enough to say what needs to be said. Perhaps I’m the weak one. I suppose it comes down to some basic questions:

1. Do I want to raid with her? You know I really don’t know how to answer that. I’m never really too sure about a player’s ability.. I tend to adapt by what others say and when grouping with them what they are capable of doing. I don’t form opinions about their ability cause it’s all subjective. I could form relativistic connections, like this player is good at managing so and so. Therefore I can’t really say if I’d want to raid with them based on that. Would I want to raid with someone who I have an emotional attachment to? I guess I’m not too sure about that either. Guess I’d rather keep my WoW connections more anonymous. Keep them compartmentalized. Cause I don’t know if I ever will need to break them. I try not to piss people off. I hear that I’m a nice guy. Decent player. Do I believe that? I don’t go out of my way to do nice things, I just keep a calm and generally collected demeanor and try to be polite. Going beyond that..? I just don’t know. I kind of end up in an odd situation.. I don’t know how to handle those sorts of emotions.

2. Did I make myself clear? The first time, no. The second time, apparently no. I suppose you could say the first time was a mistake on my part. I took her view of the guild and further deepened it. MO has a bad reputation because of the loud mouths in it. But MO has good people in it. People who, given the right circumstances, are nice and polite. But that’s not the portrait others paint. No, they bring up the trolling done by a few of the members (who for the life of me I don’t understand why are still in the guild, as they don’t raid with us) or the issues that some of the members cause (like loot issues on pick-up group raids). Some of the people are really good people. People who are being unfairly biased against. So with the initial opinion she had of MO, I took it further down by focusing on some of the negative thing these people do. Not really a wise move on my part, I admit. The second time, I guess I wasn’t fully clear on my intentions. I love(d) this girl and decided I’d like to be with her and that by staying in MO I was being full of myself. So I figured if she was going to transfer, I’d transfer with her. But my clarity on saying I’d do that apparently wasn’t clear enough. Apparently I’m vague and take back roads to say things. I’m currently ignoring her to type this. Cause I think she won’t listen to anything I have to say anyway. She’s already made her mind up.

3. Was the fate of this all really based on my decision about a hypothetical? I don’t get it. I, as a guy, operate on logic. Which apparently doesn’t work when the other person is a girl. So I’m supposed to rely on some emotional core which I don’t really know if I have. I, basically an organic computer in my eyes, am supposed to rely on something I have no control over, no understanding of, and no possible concept of. I’d like to have a rational conversation with a female, but doesn’t seem to happen. I tend to read into things. She tends to read into things. But she can’t read into my basic “Hey let’s raid together” messages after I basically admit that I’m a thick headed jerk who is staying with MO to pad my ego? Guess it only works when she’s mad. And she’s probably mad now.

4. Where do I go from here? I don’t really know. If it’s over, and I’m assuming it is just based on that tone, I don’t think I’ll ever really love again. I’ll use rationality to attempt to tone down the pain I’m sure will come and come out even more broken than I am now. If it’s not over, she’ll get mad at me for thinking it is. Either way I think I lose. I don’t really think you can win at relationships. I think there’s only one door. Friend of mine told me that his girlfriend has forgiven him countless times–too many to count. Does that imply true love? I suppose I should ask what level of forgiveness those actions required. Did you basically in a roundabout way tell her you don’t want to play a game with her? What level of emotional impact does that carry? I guess it’s partially my fault cause I was running out of ideas to talk about.. so I brought up an unfinished argument. Poor move on my part. Any would be lovers out there, take some heed: don’t do anything that pops in your head. It’s wrong. Or at least I’d like to think it’s wrong. But I am a man of logic, and logic is god.

I suppose on the positive note, I have been updating this more often. Course the subject of it is up for debate.

If she doesn’t forgive me and it truly is over, then I’ll be looking for someone to kick me in the ass so I can keep up on my course work in this upcoming jaunt into school. If she does forgive me, perhaps I’m not as bad of a person as I think I currently am.

Only the internet can tell..

Self Equilibrium, Part III

Relationships are an interesting mix of things. You have parts you love, parts you hate, and parts you don’t understand. They can lead you down paths you never thought about before, through valleys and over mountains. Is it so strange to feel this way? One can only wonder.

So now begins a process.. of finding a balance. This process lets you really know how stubborn the other can be.

Okay, so World of Warcraft. This is where I met her.. this might be the cause of me losing her.. at least I hope I haven’t lost her. This is getting confusing so I’ll try my best to figure out what exactly happened while I type it. Seems to have multiple parts, so maybe I can clarify this for myself as well.

I’m in Members Only (MO from hereon). We’re a progression guild who tends to be rather fickle about people. The renown for this guild is that they tend to make fun of people who made odd choices in gear/gems/talent specs. They try to maintain a level of elitism, but only raid 3 nights a week. So we don’t advance as quickly as other guilds, but are capable enough to get to end-game content relatively quickly. But because of the fact the guild master and several of the members make fun of people, the guild is blacklisted as being assholes and pricks. Therefore, by association, I’m an asshole. I tend to be nicer than the rest of them, and if asked will help people, depending on how they ask me and depending on what sort of thing they ask me to do (i.e. I hate beggars, so I tend to ignore them).

But because the GM and members are elitist like that, they tend to say things that I don’t necessarily agree with but because I’m an idiot I transpose and say. That’s a mistake. I apparently have poor judgment about what I say at times (so maybe I am an asshole). But I should clarify what was said and what I said to her.

They were having a chat on vent. Basically, they were talking about how an officer recruited a priest. This priest was decent, at best.. nothing too great. But the thing about this priest was that.. well, she was essentially dating the officer. The GM recounted how he usually didn’t hear much about potentially recruits from this officer, except for a few who later had real life issues and couldn’t make full attendance. So the GM was a tad skeptical at first. Then he found out this priest was a girl. The conversation on vent changed at that point.

I’m not really sure how the GM phrased it, or how I should phrase it. I know he was saying he hates package deals (i.e. player who wants to join with another, aka husband and wife) because it can lead to issues later.. i.e. if they break up, it causes drama and then neither show up to the raid, etc etc.

I suppose I could say that my experience with female players in the past has been.. iffy at best. Back when I was in Gorilla Farm, I was an officer. One of the other officers was supposedly a girl. Who liked to complain about everything. Apparently I was good at listening cause she did it quite a bit. I suppose the fall of the guild wasn’t entirely her fault, but I do know the amount of drama she caused.

I’m not saying that all female players cause drama. Just saying that it tends to follow them.

So she posed a hypothetical to me. I’m starting to wonder if hypothetical means reality. She asked me, “If we lived together, would you leave MO?”

I don’t like backing out of commitments. I don’t like betraying people. I feel like absolute shit when I quit guilds. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s cause they gave me the chance to be there to support them and I left. I don’t change guilds often. When I joined MO, I figured I probably wouldn’t have to ever leave.

So she throws a hypothetical at me. Except it isn’t a hypothetical. I took it as a hypothetical. “Would I leave MO to raid with her?” I don’t know. I don’t know if I could do that. It’s strange. Now that I’m typing that, I keep thinking.. I’m just this huge idiot. This was our first argument. I hope it doesn’t end us. I don’t want it to. But I answered wrong. I deflected. I said “couples are hard to recruit.” What? Then I guess I jumped into talking about female gamers and ended up sounding sexist. So I’m now apparently a discriminatory, sexist, and elitist jerk.

I don’t think I can make this right. Would I care if she was in a better guild than I, raiding better content with better people? Possibly. But now I’m caught in a conundrum. I just want her to be happy. But if she’s only happy when she raids with me,  I suppose that means I have to leave.

I’m stuck. I’m not sure where the hypothetical ends and the reality begins. She’s mad because I answered a hypothetical wrong. I can’t predict the future. If we were living together, would I raid with her? Yes, of course. But we aren’t living together. There’s 1300 miles between us. I guess the fact I keep missing raids just to talk to her doesn’t mean anything. The fact I basically sex changed my DK just to see her smile.

Cause she hates me. Cause of a fucking hypothetical question. Okay, she won’t say she “hates” me.. she’ll say she’s “upset.”

She thinks I put the game before her. She thinks me not wanting to leave MO is cause I care more for it than her. All because I answered a hypothetical wrong.

I’m starting to get angry writing this. It’s not good.

Is this where it ends? To be honest, I don’t want a game to be the thing that keeps us together. That’s not something to base a relationship on. I had thought it wasn’t based on that. I had thought she loved me for who I was, not for the fact I played a game she happens to play also. Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps it’s all my fault. Perhaps me wanting to ignore the fact we both played a game was a wrong move.

Is there such a thing as time to yourself? I could consider raiding as “spending time with the guys” but I wouldn’t go that far. This is transitioning strangely. I can’t plan that far ahead. I don’t know if I’d still be playing WoW by the time we moved in together.

Arguing over a game. Wonderful way to break things.

Self Retribution, Part II

What is love, per say? Is it the ability to tremendously hurt someone, down to their very core? Is it the ability to forgive someone for doing that? I suppose you could say it’s a condition, where everything else in the world is moot. It’s a condition that leads you to the plateaus of ecstasy and  the canyons of torment and regret. A condition you cannot help but be affected by. All you need is the right person.

I met that person. I had that condition. But due to my volatile nature, I led myself down a self destructive path. I almost lost it. But despite it all, she forgave me. The pain I was in during that silence, during that moment I knew it was over, was like nothing I’ve felt. Like I was dying inside. I couldn’t stand it. I was trying to rationalize it all down, trying to make the pain go away. But I couldn’t. The communication we had at this point was minimalistic. I had thought she would have me ignored by now. I was wrong. Cause love does strange things to people. It lets them forgive. She sent me a whisper, asking me if I was ignoring her. I said no, I was not. I was surprised, as I had thought she’d be ignoring me. But she had sent me a message. A message that took the pain away. She forgave my blunder. She forgave my idiocy. She forgave my flaws.

I love her. I don’t think I can stop loving her. I’ve never met her. But I love her.

So now I’ve decided to change. To try to become someone better. I’m taking steps now. Trying to get out of the rut. I’m checking out online schools, maybe do something with this mind. Do something I can be proud of. Do something I won’t regret.

Thus begins a journey, an exploration into self. Where do I go from here? What goals do I set? At what lengths to I go to achieve them?

I don’t think I can do this on my own. I won’t do this on my own. Cause there’s a girl who will help me. Who will remind me what I strive for. Who I love.

Where does your road go? What do you hope to find at the end of it?

My road leads… I hope to find…

I’m not sure I can finish those yet. But soon, I hope to.

Self Destruction, Part I

I’m not sure if I’m an idiot or just set to always try to break things.

I’m not sure how honest I can really be with what I write any more, either. I guess you could say this is a publicly published thought core on how I somehow am able to easily destroy myself.

So I met a girl. Not in the normal way, at least. More like I have a habit on my DK of randomly hugging female gnomes. I think they are cute. One such gnome started talking to me. I don’t know why. I’m not sure why. I guess I responded in my normal way, joking and what not. But eventually it seemed like there might have been something more.. something I could possibly enjoy. So I decided to open up a bit.

Started with small things, things like my first name and random things I liked and asking her what she liked. Movies, food. But I suck at small talk, being as apathetic as I am. I suppose you could almost say I’m nihilistic. But it seemed like talking to her made me feel, well, different. Like I had something to gain. Like the world had purpose.

Of course, I am corrupt. The internet may be a large and interesting place, but there are certain areas you should avoid. They may seem funny and harmless at first, but the more you delve into them, the more you’re slowly becoming something you’ll regret. 4chan is such a place. Random tends to blur the line between normal and obscene. Suddenly you find morbid things funny.. and you get into trouble some things.

But for the time being, I was getting along with her. We took a further step forward during server maintenance and I took a “joke” of hers too far. Essentially I asked her what she wanted to do, and she replied with a sex joke.. me being as corrupt as I am, and apparently as unrestrained with my libido, took it to mean she actually wanted that. I never knew I was good at typing those sorts of stories.. but my endings are horrible. Ahem, moving on…

She didn’t take too well to my admission that that’s all I thought the conversation would be over. In fact, she got mad, which under the circumstances is understandable. I made her into my own little porn. But, I decided that maybe there was something to this so I asked to start fresh.

Over the next few days, our talks escalated and we began to enjoy one another company. For me, it was strange.. you see I’m your average nerd in the basement–literally. I live in my parent’s basement. I used to find that fact disheartening and whatnot but to be honest, I don’t really mind any more, cause I know there’s a lot more people out there just like me. Of course, I have the benefit of actually having a job, but it’s not the type of job that exactly leads into a career. But as such, I actually have never had a girlfriend. At least until that point. I’m so socially dead I wouldn’t know the basics for asking a girl out. I was the shy nerd in High School who was usually considered crazy due to my ideas and such. What ideas exactly? You know, I’m not too sure. Most of the ideas I would have had in High School would have been pedestrian to the corrupt ideas that could flow through my head today.

So here I was, an anti-social nerd in a pseudo-relationship with a girl I never met. But for some reason, it felt good. It felt like I could share the world with her. It’s almost like she gave me the ability to feel again. I had a vague idea what she looked like, mostly by doing the normal e-stalker thing and looking her email up on MySpace and Facebook. When I told her that, she almost seemed to get mad at me for wanting to know what she looked like. To be honest, brutally honest.. I don’t think I would have cared if she was a 250lb 40 year old.. the idea I had in my head about her made it so I didn’t care… I mean there was a part of me–libido–that told me I should.. but I think I was making the reference in my head that no matter what she looked like, I knew I could love her. Yeah, love. Strange isn’t it?

What is love exactly? Is it some pseudo-emotion created so you’d know what to do and say at the right moments? Or is it more simple than that? I guess I could tell I felt more than just a normal connection to her, cause she gave me butterflies. That feeling in your stomach that you don’t really know if it’s real or not. But it makes things.. so much better. Suddenly you feel like you can do anything. I suppose you could say love is giving someone the ability to hurt you like you’ve never felt before. A burning sensation that lasts until you question the meaning of life. Even then an answer to such a question probably wouldn’t make the pain go away.

So why would I feel pain in such a situation? I’m an idiot. I’m corrupt. I’m vile. I’m disgusting. Due to my lack of any real social involvement throughout my life, and the involvement I’ve had being.. transient at best, I took a lot of wrong steps. Some of them she was able to forgive. Some of them, like this last one.. I doubt she will. I’d like to blame Random and whatnot, but it wasn’t making me stay there. It wasn’t making me look up the strange and questionable content I was seeking. It was me. Does that mean I’m vile inside? Does that mean I’m the filth of the earth? Maybe.

But I still love her. I can’t stop it. Ive tried to convince myself that it’s probably over. That anything I try to say won’t make a sound. That I’m really just a terrible individual. But it hurts.

It hurts so much I want to change. I want to try to be a better person. I want to try so many things.. I’m sort of lost. I miss her.

Is it so strange to be like that? Is it so strange to want to be with someone I’ve never actually met?